People Pleasing and Healing the Need To Prove Yourself

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The message to women has so often been that we need to somehow prove their value in relation to others.

And if you’re a sensitive, feminine soul you’re usually a deeply relationally-oriented being. Which means that the desire to have others approve of you is also incredibly natural.

The problem is, when you feel the perceptions of others so deeply, it can be easy to fall into patterns that cause you to abandon yourself, as you start subconsciously believing that your value can only be found in the perspectives of the external world.

Our subconscious programming

Many of the ideals and structures in our world are heavily masculine-oriented, which means that from an early age we’re taught that our value is based on outcomes, achievements and our external qualities. .

As we grow up in the world, we’re taught to prove ourselves to others to earn love, approval and validation. To mould our behaviour to fit the expectations of others.

And while this is a useful social tool when our modelling is healthy and supports our true essence, the reality is that our world doesn’t nurture the feminine very well- which causes an unconscious rejection of our own feminine essence. This means that instead of feeling our natural feminine value, we seek outside of ourselves to compensate for this self-rejection through the approval and validation of others.

This pattern begins in childhood, where we have two key emotional needs- authenticity and belonging. In other words, the need to express ourselves naturally, and the need to be loved and supported by those around us (in particular, our caregivers).

The thing is, if we are forced to choose between authenticity and belonging, we will always choose belonging as children.

Which means that when we start picking up that certain parts of us aren’t approved of as much as others, we start to reject these parts too. Instead, we seek love and approval by shifting ourselves into who we think we need to be.

This is a pattern that is physiologically wired into us as we go through life, and we will always default back into it- unless we start becoming consciously aware of the programs and beliefs we’ve picked up, and learn to move beyond the patterns of our minds (that are engrained as emotional patterns in our bodies).

This means that as adult women, we need to actively restore the feminine essence within us. And this requires dismantling those subconscious patterns we’ve been conditioned to take on as true.

The Feminine Essence

At the core of the feminine heart is the deep craving to be loved, seen and honoured for one’s natural self. When we gain approval for something that we’re doing to “perform” or get approval for, it creates a disconnect in the heart as we move further away from the core of our natural selves.

On the other hand, when we start living from our natural value, instead of constantly seeking approval from others, we begin to repair the relationship with our our true feminine essence.

So many women engage in all sorts of self-development work and spiritual seeking, but never feel truly fulfilled or healed because they still carry around this unconscious rejection of their true essence.

Yet so much opens up when you soften into this natural part of who you are.

When you stop rejecting your feminine essence and come to see your natural value, you no longer rely on the external world to define you. Instead, you live from a place of inner safety and wholeness.

You have a foundation that can’t be taken by the opinions, beliefs and expectations of the external world.

You’re able to to discern what’s right and true for you, instead of feeling like you need to chase, force and strive.

You’re able to make decisions and live a life that is attuned to your natural design, instead of feeling the pressure to live up to what everyone around you thinks you should be doing.

And most importantly, you’re open to receiving true love, and being valued for who you actually are, instead of needing to please, placate and over give to “earn” love.

x

Belinda

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