The Feminine Art of Softening
In my experience, one of the deepest pieces of the healing ‘puzzle’ for women, is the art of softening.
There is a huge resurgence of the healing arts in our modern culture, which is beautiful. Yet many of the modalities, practices and solutions that we are offered, see us inadvertently coming from a space of needing to fix ourselves, in order to achieve some type of desired outcome (there is also the interesting dynamics that have arisen as healing has become increasingly commodified and sold to the masses as a magic bullet).
This way of approaching healing keeps a woman on high alert, scanning for things to fix, and improve, and building up a masculinised energetic hardness that runs in opposition to the natural feminine energies that she holds at her core.
For a woman on the path of feminine unfolding, trying to run her energies from this hardness is exhausting and unnatural. It puts her in a subconscious state of ‘not enough,’ and keeps her entombed in a state of subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) distrust and control- in life, in relationships, in herself.
The only true antidote to this that I have found, for the woman who is desiring to restore the inherent energy of her feminine nature, is the art of softening.
What is the feminine art of softening?
Softening describes the process of a woman de-conditioning and de-armouring from the shields that have been built up around her true essence, as a result of external (and subsequently internalised) expectations and societal and cultural norms and measures of achievement that she has been predominantly taught to strive towards.
Softening is the re-attunement back to her natural feminine energies- a space from which she can honour, live and thrive from the value and truth of her feminine core.
This softening process is referred to as an art, because it is not a a linear system of achievement. It is a process of Being, of unfolding, of trusting, of resting in one’s true nature, rather than trying to override, prove and strive.
It is a way of being that is often bypassed in the rush to meet goals and create external outcomes. Yet it is a way of being that I have repeatedly observed as being foundational to the deeper fulfilment of a feminine-essenced woman on the path of remembering her inherent nature.
What I have found, is that the desire to soften is not something that can be forced. Instead, it is a desire that is sparked from within. as a woman begins to realise how futile striving, forcing, proving and defending the self feels, and how much this masculinised approach to life diminishes her feminine spirit.
This spark is the fuel that steers a woman back to the roots of her nature. It activates a visceral sense that the fulfilment she is seeking can’t be found through the hardened processes she has been taught to ‘get ahead’ in the world. A knowing that there is a deeper and more fulfilling octave of life that is available when she stops trying to protect, defend, control, prove, and instead softens into her natural being.
It is a state of healing (which in essence and in etymology describes the recognition and embodiment of one’s wholeness). Yet the undercurrents of softening are very different from the many models of healing and growth that are available to women in the predominant personal development and healing worlds.
Softening works with a woman’s natural femininity, whereas most modes of healing, spirituality and self-development work (often unconsciously) against the feminine. This is because healing and growth models based on striving, fixing and solving are inherently masculine in nature- and while they have their time and place, they can actually be deeply counterintuitive to a woman who has been heavily conditioned to reject, diminish or override her feminine energy and essence.
Why is this softening process so vital for women?
An over-focus on the masculine in our world teaches women to unconsciously abandon and compromise their feminine nature. This leads to an internalised pattern of a woman rejecting her femininity and feeling subconsciously unworthy, unless she’s meeting masculine-focused expectations.
Because we take action in our lives predominantly from our subconscious programming, carrying around this subtle feeling of unworthiness arises in all areas of a woman’s life- from love and relationships, to career and business.
So many of the issues, challenges and tensions that occur in a woman’s life (relational, emotional, physical and spiritual) are unable to be reconciled, without first tending to and re-awakening her feminine nature.
When a woman softens and reignites her natural feminine essence, she finds that she is able to organically re-orient to who she really is. She feels a sense of deep relief, as she dissolves the external projections she’s been carrying and softens into her natural pace, path and desires. She begins to inherently trust that her feminine nature will be honoured, and can begin to gently synergise with the masculine aspects of herself, life and God.
Unraveling protective shields
As a woman begins to untangle the feminine rejection that she has been taught to take on, things can initially feel challenging, as a woman observes the tension between her urge to soften, and the conditioning that has taught her to protect her deeper self and diminish her feminine nature.
The women that are drawn to this work have usually been deeply entrenched in environments that model and perpetuate masculine modes of success and achievement for many years- often through their family structures, education systems and masculine-focused work/business environments. As a result, it can feel difficult to truly perceive the value and gifts of their deeper feminine nature. Along with this, a natural feeling of fear and distrust arises, as a woman senses what it might feel like to live in the world without the shields she has been taught to wear.
Yet for the women I work with, the longing to soften into their feminine nature at some point always outweighs the outer masculine expectations placed upon them, leading to a strong desire to seek out healing. Unfortunately, if this healing is attempted within masculine-oriented frameworks (which is often the case at first), it can diminish the feminine self even further.
If this is you, you are likely a perceptive, deep feeling, soulful woman who has been taught to live from masculine conditioning for most of your life. In a practical sense, this often manifests as perfectionism, over working, over giving, people pleasing, performing, controlling, being overly critical of yourself, self-doubt, devaluing your true needs and desires and feeling unsafe to be your natural self.
You may feel an underlying sense of emotional disconnection, self-abandonment and often exhaustion, due to the energy it takes to live from these masculine shields.
If you’ve started the process of de-conditioning these shields through spiritual or self development work, you also may be trapped in cycles of trying to relentlessly “fix” or heal yourself- another sneaky way of placing you back in masculine paradigms of striving and overworking yourself!
You may also be struggling to integrate your feminine essence in a way that is empowering, instead falling into patterns of passivity, powerlessness, people pleasing and lack of valuing your feminine gifts- all of which can lead to an inability to tangibly create your desires in the world.
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Feminine softening connects you back to your feminine heart and allows you to rest in your natural state of worthiness, trust and fulfilment. You can step off the cycle of never ending healing loops and searching for the “next thing” to fix or strive toward, and instead, can heal, grow and bloom in an organic, unforced way that feels natural and nourishing.
For many of the women I work with, who have struggled to create success in the ways they have been taught they ‘should’, softening is what finally allows them to believe in their feminine pace and path- easing the relentless pressure they had been putting on themselves to achieve in a certain way. Rather than seeing themselves as doing life “wrong” they recognise the immeasurable value of their feminine gifts and feel safe to gently ground their true desires in a way that feels nourishing and true.
For other women I work with who have already found external “success” within masculine focused paradigms (yet found they felt exhausted, disconnected or unfulfilled from doing so), learning how to soften into their deeper feminine nature is also deeply life enhancing- often allowing them to completely shift their self-perception, paths, lifestyles and work/businesses in a way that affords them a sense of deep peace, relief, connection and joy, as they embrace the freedom that comes with finally feeling safe to rest in their natural selves.
Belinda 💓
other writings you may enjoy ~
How masculine achievement culture impacts the feminine soul
Why the Feminine Doesn’t Need to “Know”